by Turtle

Trigger Warning: The following article discusses cutting, edge play, and blood play.

Fear is one of the basics of the human experience. People argue whether it's physical or emotional, or whether both feed off of each other to create a more intense experience. There's also quite a bit of confusion for non-psychology professionals about where anxiety ends and fear starts.

[TW: Edge Play (cutting)] 

Feel free to skip ahead to the next section. 

I'm remembering my first *attempt* at a cutting scene. My owner, at the time, did not prepare me for what was to follow. He hung up plastic, but I was sitting in my required pre-scene pose and couldn't see what was being set up. When I was told to stand, I could see a medical setup and scalpels. 

I froze. I didn't blink. I didn't inhale or exhale until prodded to take my position standing at the cross. 

“Breathe,” he whispered in my ear. He touched me firmly to calm me, holding my shoulders square. 

I squeezed my eyes shut. My pulse accelerated like a bomb in my chest. I fought to maintain my breathing, focusing on the very act itself. The world narrowed to a cataclysmic single point. I heard him snap on gloves. The fire of the scalpel cut lightly on my upper back. I felt a drop of warm blood drip slowly, rolling in an infinitely micro motion down my spine. I learned what the word “swoon” means. My view of the world tilted, warped like looking through water. The ground upended. I was ignominiously on my ass on the plastic, cold concrete sharp on my skin. 

He was disappointed but realized I needed different tactics. Aftercare was imminent. 

On another day, we sat in his man cave. He laid out all his tools for the scene. He explained how they were used. The dynamics of skin and choosing patterns as well as what I can expect to experience. 

Another day, I watched him do several small cuttings on other people. I assisted by handing him tools and caring for the bottom. 

Finally, he told me that we'd be doing a cutting scene the following week. I was assigned to think up every dire situation and try to imagine it. It's rather difficult. (Understatement!) Lastly, on that fateful day, he had me do the scene setup. Instead of standing, I sat backwards in a chair. I chose two small designs and traced them on tattoo paper, a triquetra and a pentagram. The scene was an exponentially divergent intimacy in comparison to my previous attempt. 

The decorative cuttings were refreshed several times over two years. They can still be seen as faint scars on the back of each shoulder. 

I've come to love blood play. 

I'm certainly a long way down the road from passing out.

[END TW]

Anxiety and fear are reactions to events and objects — real or imagined — that a human is triggered by. Things we sense as a threat to ourselves psychologically, emotionally, or physically. They trigger our “lizard brain” to dust off our survival instincts. Most will act to protect themselves and what they care for in whatever manner that they can, no matter how extreme it appears to other viewers. Fear trips into phobia when it alters our normal responses and interferes with life. 

You are an entire being. Everything you experience affects the rest of your reality. Whether it’s anxiety built up due to a big, stressful event (e.g., a death, a wedding, moving) or a bunch of smaller issues (e.g., being late from work, low sleep, poor diet, high anticipation), the stockpile of stress can escalate high anxiety to a state of pure fear when you enter a new BDSM or sexual experience. You become much more sensitive to upsetting your internal weathervane. 

Your inner self can be operated with the awareness of how the dominoes fall so you can prepare to avoid it. Physically, your heart rate and blood pressure quicken. This is due to the amygdala early warning system alerting your body to prepare to “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn,” flooding your body with hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. If you are paying attention, you can feel the flush like a wave crashing through your body. The emotions you are feeling at that instant dictate how you react to the hormones; pleasure or fear. 

NOTE: I'll tell you how to hijack your brain for pleasure later. 

Some of your brain will short out, while the rest takes off like a Ferrari in the European Grand Prix. Your reasoning is offline and rationalizing is now impaired. 404 Error! 

Determining what is real and NOT real goes out the window. Although many people are still convinced they are acting rationally, it's clear their brain chemistry is altered. 

People who enjoy horror movies or who have harnessed their fears can learn to wait out the hormone flush rush to experience the high of leftover dopamine once the fear subsides. Dopamine elicits pleasure. It's called the excitation-transfer process. It is one of the reasons people are drawn to BDSM and new sexual proclivities.

How to deal with high anxiety and fear in the moment. 

1. Miscount. Ask your partner to have you repeat after them. Then, they just miscount numbers. Example: 43, 72, 12, 55, 1. It interrupts your brain pattern. 

2. The 5-4-3-2-1 method. 

1. Name five things you can see. 

2. Name four things you can touch.

3. Name three things you can hear. 

4. Name two things you can smell.

5. Name one thing you can taste.

3. The 3-3-3 method is similar. 

1. Name three things you can hear.

2. Name three things you can see. 

3. Name three different body parts. 

4. Relaxation Technique: Shrug your shoulders up to your ears and hold for a few seconds. Then, drop them back to their normal position.

5. Breathing to four counts. 

1. Count to four slowly as you breathe IN through your nose. 

2. Count to four as you breathe OUT through your mouth. 

6. “Squirrel!” Distract yourself with your go-to giggle today. I saw a video of a dog who learned to catch the same poor mole over and over for his treat fix. Then, he taught his doggy friends. Someone just saying “moles for dog treats” will set me to internal giggle. 

Lastly, how to hijack your own brain! 

This requires practice but is well worth it. Choose a memory of true joy, a huge moment of transformative joy. I have a short list of go-to best hits. My best friend's memory is of getting married. He turns instantly into a big, happy, romantic goof! I love it! 

You will imagine it fully, using all your senses. Full senses: smell it, feel it, taste it, hear it, see it. Be in that moment! If it was sunny, feel the sun on your skin. Practice it randomly several times a day until you can instantly be there in your mind. Then, when you feel that hormone flush, let yourself be in that joyful moment and your brain will switch the gear from fear to pleasure. It takes practice, but is well worth the effort! Neuroplasticity for the win!