by Emma Atkinson 

Happy New Year to you all! Let’s keep the joy of the holiday season going for just a little while longer, okay? And if your holidays weren’t especially joyful, it’s not too late to let a little happiness seep in. 

For the first CSPC newsletter of 2023, I’ve got something juicy to share with you. No need to thank me just yet.

Maybe you’ve been wondering about the differences between boundaries and controlling behaviors. Or maybe it’s just me. Anyhoo, here’s what I’ve come up with: a boundary represents the limit of something you will do, and a controlling behavior is something you want someone else to do. It can be confusing, because sometimes people use the word “boundary” to try to control or change someone else.

Here’s an example: someone you know keeps bringing up a topic that makes you uncomfortable. You’ve asked them to stop talking about the topic, but you’re hearing it yet again. It could be any topic: when will you give your parents a grandchild, or when will you start a diet for real. A boundary represents what you want for yourself and an action you’ll take. Successful boundary-setting is more likely to happen when you state it clearly, without unnecessary emotion, and follow through with the consequences if it’s being tested. Consequences could be hanging up the phone, changing the subject, or leaving the room. 

Controlling behavior happens when you tell someone what to do or not do. It’s often accompanied by vague and highly emotional language, and comes without specific consequences. In the example above, controlling behavior might look like starting a fight about how many times you’ve told them you don’t want to hear about those topics or saying that if they really loved you, they wouldn’t bring those things up anymore. Both of these responses are highly emotional and focused on trying to change the other person, not a clearly-stated consequence that you can put into action yourself.

As adults, we can ask someone to do or not do something, and they can choose their actions accordingly. And then we can choose an action as well. 

Making this distinction can be frightfully complicated and difficult to untangle. Boundaries are meant for you, to enhance your body, mind, and spirit. If you find yourself experiencing uncomfortable feelings, it might be a good time to sit down and sort it out. 

As we start a new year, it’s a great time to ponder what serves you best. Those nagging, uneasy feelings are probably not going away on their own. They’re actually a gift to you, as Gavin de Becker points out in his book, The Gift of Fear. Think of them as little red flags trying to get your attention. 

Homework: check any resolutions you might have made for 2023 and make sure self care is right there at the top of the list. If your resolutions don’t include practicing more kindness, compassion, and gratitude—well, why not? It could bring you rewards way beyond anything you can dream up. The only way to find out for sure is to try it out for yourself and see what happens. It can’t hurt, right? Let me know how your experiment goes at: info@thecspc.org. 

Science!